i don't know what i am, or why, or where i go or why, and whether the things i feel or see are truly fabricated. there is a law of infinity, and all know it to be in the space between zero and one. it isn't a math and maybe it exists without reason (to you), but in it is everything, and nothing pertinent at all. perhaps, say, everyone will look to the number they want to see. instantly there is meaning.

within my solid reach there is a limited world (and the world we know is limited if only by our ability to observe all parts of it) but what rich inner environment i foster beneath my hazy consciousness is vibrant; it is all of zero and all of one and everything before and after. the place with no real limit. in it is everything, and where i go. i wish i could understand it even a fraction! to live a dolorous existence with only the fact i will remember and forget it all innumerous times! what wretchedness it is!

but there's peace in it too. i hope i am never perfect. i want to meet you all again and again, until we get from zero to one.

we got a new cat recently, and that's just one of the things that's made me smile as of late. i've never gotten two cats that weren't related; and so we're all having a time for getting them on as friends. he's orange and white, and a lithe, light thing with big feet and a square jaw that would more fit one without his odd disposition. i think they're both weary of one another, but they warmed up fast for the couple of days it has been, so i'm not too worried. they're both sweet in their own way.

my wife and i went for dinner for both his birthday and a few days back cause i wanted cheap steak. it was damn good, but we gotta stop eating out for a while i think. it's just so fun i guess, to dress nice and have a date. also the mafia was there, which was awkward, because beside their 30-member family at one long table and a crowd of them standing outside, there weren't many other patrons. i was more agitated with their screaming baby -- it's hard to stay myself in those situations.

my mama called and told me she's doing good. it made me happy to hear. i watch her teeter over a precipice many nights. amid one she fell, and died, and i woke up choking on my own tears. there was a darker and more raw feeling than i usually allow over me. i could not ease the wrenching. i'm hoping she'll keep tighter contact one day 'cause it ain't my lack of trying. she is lost, but i'll be here every time she passes back through my crossroads, in her infinite loop. i'm just glad that when she's good she allows my sister to be good, too.

back in 2017 i didn't get to see the eclipse because i lived in florida at the time. as if my fomo wasn't bad enough back then! this time though, we watched our little world fall into darkness. it's a strange thing to see the sun in the sky, and have the horizon tell you it's been gone for a half hour yet, and it's three in the afternoon. on the way there, everyone was out on their porch or sat on the warm park grass. the roads were virtually empty, and i think the only people driving were the ones either in the same situation as us or possibly the most jaded, unexcitable type who find awe in nothing.

i got a little prettied up today, to go out, and i bought a top and skirt set from walmart a few days ago that i had been eyeing since we moved into town. i can't say i'm overly pleased with the way i look in it, but i do like it, and i'll just have to come to terms with the fact that it's me in it and not whatever imaginary person i had expected to see in the mirror. i got to wear my favorite lashes; and that's enough.

we got wind of the funeral info. we won't be going, and i was surprised to hear her ex didn't plan to go either. after you die, you can't say where you'll be buried. she left us with no say. i don't know what i want to send her off with yet. a lantern, a letter, bones and dirt and cinnamon. perhaps in a dream she will tell me how to honor her.

the earth became cool in a fine line, and there was no sun in the sky, but instead a great halo that told of no god. faintly, on the southern pole, a band of fire beyond comprehension, incredibly visible to the naked eye, to the noticer. i know it was her who danced there, in the past, far away

in four-hundred years, we will see it side by side.

simply, i've been listening to a lot of music lately. i tire of a lot of things and find a lot of songs in my preferred genres sound very... recycled. it takes a long time to find songs i like, and very few that stir something within me, which means i have to filter through a lot of trash. i mean, someone else's treasure. i hesitate to dip my toes into any kind of pop lest it take me to the dua-rexha-cabello ring of hell, but folk pop seems okay so far. after a while i have trouble with enjoying anything i've overexposed myself to because of a tendency to pattern-recognize and then everything becomes the same. when a song doesn't sound like anything it makes me sad, like a waste.

a friend of mine died last week, or nine days ago, but it won't matter how many days after a month's gone by. she has actually been dead for me for a few months now, but it won't matter how many months after a year's gone by. i'll remember at a year. it is hard to be angry with a corpse. "it is hard to be angry with a corpse," he tells me, and i watch a kid pick a bright yellow flower from my lawn, turning to show no one. an angry little thing kicks a vial of bitterness into my heart, and i wondered how a flower might pick itself. don't you know there will be more sun tomorrow? it is hard to be angry with a flower, a child, a corpse, a memory, the future. what a waste.